i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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