I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
