Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
