I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
