I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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