Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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