i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
