god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
