Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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