Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
