All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
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Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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