I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We don't watch enough power rangers
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
