I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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