I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
