Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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