Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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