Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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