Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i believe in u and ur pee
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
