insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
