mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
