the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
