he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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