Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
