Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
