im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
