look no pants
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
