I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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