Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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