she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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