I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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