Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need to calm my uterus...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
