God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
