put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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