All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
