my phone needs a breathalizer
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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