She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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