I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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