Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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