I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The uberlube is also flammable
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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