Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
