and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
