my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
