so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
