I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
