I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you didnt know i had herpes?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dear god my vagina.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
