apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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