I wish they made helmets for livers.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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