Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Drunk is not a location!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
