accomplished twins. life is a go
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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