3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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