Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
