I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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